Did he tell you?

We broke up because he no longer loves me like he did before.

Yes, he said that. Can you call it love if it fades? I know how it felt like. 6 years ago I broke up with someone because I wanted to focus on college. My excitement for a new chapter in my life got the best of me that I didn’t want to commit myself on anyone. That sounds so cliché but it’s true. This guy thought I had someone else. So, yes I know how it feels like to start to fall out of love. I totally get him. It’s possible but that doesn’t mean it’s inevitable. Love is a choice.

Also, he said he couldn’t give back everything I was giving him. As if he needed to. As if I demanded too much. I didn’t. All I wanted was his love and his time. Maybe I expected so  much from him when all I really wanted was to spend time with him. He felt like home. I was so comfortable with him. Do you know how much warmth he can give when he wraps his arms around you? I think he thought his effort didn’t mean a thing to me. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything now. But I let him go. You know why? Because I love him and he promised to come back. I hope he told you that. He promised me he’d come back. He just wanted to fix himself, to be better. It made me sad that he couldn’t get himself better while being with me. But I let him go because I know how it feels like to feel lost. I know how it feels like to have your ego be bigger than yourself. I made up a lot of things on my mind just to understand him. I tried so hard to understand him.

He promised he’d be back so I waited. I hoped and I waited but that day never came.

3 weeks after, I felt better. I was starting to drift away. I was getting used to not always check him up on his social media accounts. I got used to go on with my daily routine without him. I didn’t stare on my phone anymore hoping he’d text me. I started to live again. Until I found out he’s been chatting with you. I believe that’s a week after we broke up? A WEEK. I wanted to laugh but all I had was tears. Why do you have to enter the picture so soon? Why didn’t you give me an ample amount of time to get over him? Why? Did you ask him if he’s already moved on?

I can’t hate you, though. I don’t hate you. It wasn’t your fault. But I want to be honest. Maybe, just maybe, if you didn’t come that early, we could’ve fixed our relationship. Do you know that we still talk while you two started to “get to know” each other? I’ve seen your conversation. I’ve read the thread. It’s funny how things worked out for me. I just had this dream that I hacked his account. So, the next morning, I opened his email, which by the way, I created. I’m surprised he didn’t change his password. It was one of our pet names and anniversary date. I wonder if he changed it now. I’ve seen it all. Technically, I should not give a fuck anymore. We’ve broken up. But for fuck’s sake, it’s just been 2 weeks since you’ve got to talk virtually. I believe you haven’t even met each other personally yet. So, how? How can you tell him you already love him? How can you tell him you miss him? Maybe love does really move in mysterious way. Can you really call that love? Who am I to judge, right? I’m just now the past trying to get into the future–without him.

I hate him so much. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for promising me he’d come back when he’s already flirting with you. I hate him for making me believe that he’d change. That morning, I didn’t know that I am capable of so much rage. I don’t want to live in grudge. I don’t want hatred to eat me up. You know what I did, then? I packed all the things he’s given me and headed straight to his house. He was so surprised to see me. He asked why I was returning all my stuff to him. I asked him if he loves you, he said no. He said he wouldn’t trade what we had just for you. And you know what’s funny? I believed him. AGAIN. Like I always did. I was so stupid. I started to cry and I told him he’s an asshole. He was so taken aback because I don’t really speak those words. See what I meant when I said I don’t want hatred to eat me up?

Hate makes you evil. Hate makes you spit bad things. I don’t want to be an asshole like him.

Then, he started crying, too. He admitted that he fell for you. He told me that after we broke up, you’re the one who has been there for him. I wanted to punch him. Why was he crying? He wanted to end things with us in the first place so he should not cry, right? He wanted this all along.

I sent him all our pictures because I was ready to delete every trace of him. I was ready to let him go. We talked calmly. We were nice to each other. I told him how much his family loves him and that he should take care of them–greatly. And as braindead as I am, I told him I still love him. You know what he told me?

“Mahal ko din kayong lahat. Mahal na mahal.”

Did he tell you that he sent me to work the next morning? I thought we were good. We held hands and he kissed me on the forehead when he said good bye. Little did I know that it was the last. He told your sister that he loves you. I called him then, crying my heart out.

I am more sad than mad.

I hung up but he called back. He started crying too and he kept saying sorry but that wouldn’t change a thing. Would it? It’s done. It’s over.

I heard you also like to read. I hope you are familiar with these quote from Colleen Hoover:

People don’t get to choose who they fall in love with. They only get to choose who they stay in love with.

Maybe he didn’t choose to fall in love with you. Maybe it just happened. He chose you instead of choosing to stay in love with me. There’s nothing I can do with that.

I just wanted you to know that if that love is true between you two, fight for it.

If you two don’t end up well, all my tears would have gone to waste. If you two don’t end up well, I can’t promise that I wouldn’t laugh. You see, this is the Slytherin in me. Forgive me for having such bad thought. I’m just really really upset. I don’t wish you any harm. I don’t want you to get hurt. I hope you know that you will just hurt yourself trying to fix someone else. But he’s worth it.

I also want to apologize for blocking you on Facebook and Instagram. I saw you stalking my IG story. Don’t. We’re different. Checking up on me won’t make you feel better of yourself, neither would it make you feel bad. It is just a waste of time in general.

I blocked him, too. He started to delete our pictures and it still stings so I had to. I had to cut all ties with him. Except his family. Not yet. I’m not ready to let go of them. They are so nice to me and my heart still aches every time they look for me. It’s harder to let go of them than to le go of him. I hope you take care of them too. Visit them when you can. I’m sure they’ll like you.

This is me letting go. Writing this took a lot of courage in me. I refused to write this before because it’d make it more real. Everything would seem so final when I hit publish. But it is final. I know in writing this, I will feel relieved and it will put my soul at ease. Writing is cathartic. I just really needed to let this out of my chest. I have nothing personal against you. This is saying more about me than you.

This is my last piece of us. This is the last time I’m going to tell the last chapter of our story. There’s no more epilogue. I’m closing the book. I wouldn’t want to retell this over and over to our friends because doing so is like putting salt on fresh wounds.

I’m so tired of crying. I don’t want to have sleepless nights anymore. I’m done telling myself I’m not enough  because I am. I’m done overthinking what went wrong. I’m done blaming myself for not doing everything I could to make this work for us because God knows I did my part. I’m done blaming him for ‘causing me so much pain. I can’t fully forgive him, though. Not yet. Maybe someday but not now. They said you can’t forgive someone when you’re still hurting. And it still hurts. I am not sure if I really hate him, though. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just really hurt. It’s confusing. It’s so complicated to be human. It’s feeling everything all at once. It’s like braving the storm of different emotions.

I love him immensely I’m not sure if you can put up with that. I still do. You can’t just tell me to stop loving him. Loving him takes a lot of patience and a big heart. He might be a jerk sometimes but he is a good person. Always look for the positive in him. Take care of him more than I did.

I have known him for two years. That’s just two years compared to the years I yet to live. That is nothing compared to the life still ahead of me. This is me letting myself heal.

image source vienna-wp

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