It feels like I haven’t posted here in ages, though it’s just been 5 days since my last. I really feel like lacking of sense with blogging. So, to make it up to you. I’ll post here the article I submitted to Thought Catalog. Yes, I always write. Some are just not “blog-worthy”, I guess.
THIS IS WHY I CHOSE TO FORGIVE YOU
I want to wake up in the morning not feeling even a bit bitter about how I am not enough to make you stay. I want to wake up in the morning not feeling like I lost a part of me when you left. I am enough and I am still whole. That’s why I chose to forgive you.
I want to have a sound slumber. I don’t want to go home at night and overthink everything. I don’t want to replay all our memories together until I fall asleep with my pillows drench with my tears. I deserve a peace of mind. I deserve a sleep full of magical dreams and not nightmares where I keep shouting your name; where your back is on me and I can’t do anything to stop you from walking away. I do not deserve that. That’s why I chose to forgive you.
I want to go on with my life without any more grudge. I don’t want that heavy feeling in my chest. I deserve the kind of breathlessness that comes from cliff diving or snorkeling, not the kind where I get left behind. I don’t want to keep waiting—waiting for my phone to beep and hope to see your name on it; waiting for you to call and take back all the words you said when we parted; waiting for a much better scenario for us; waiting for us to reconcile. I deserve to walk my path without looking back to see if you are following me in every step. I deserve someone who walks beside me—hand in hand. That’s why I chose to forgive you.
I forgive you for hurting me because I have learned that the pain we inflict on people can always be either intentional or unintentional. I believe it is the latter. I still believe more in the goodness in you. I still believe that the moments we shared were true. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hurt you too in more ways than I realized and I’m sorry. That’s why I chose to forgive you.
I forgive you because I don’t like to live in what ifs and I should haves.
I deserve this independence. I am a strong woman and I can stand on my own feet. This is the only way I can move forward. I just want you to know that this is genuine. I’m not saying this just for the sake of it. There’s still this sting whenever I think of how ‘us’ ended but I really do forgive you now.
I’m sorry that our snow globe of euphoria fell and broke. I know you are sorry, too. We both know neither of us want to pick the broken pieces and stitch it back together. We are both storms, we can’t pick up each other’s debris. We both know we’re done. We both know we deserve better. We deserve to be happy again—with someone else.
Thank you for all the times we spent with each other. It was the happiest I’ve been by far—with you. But I am more excited now for this new chapter of my life—without you. It will take a lot of getting used to but I’m getting there. I have lived before you and I’d still surely survive after you.
I forgive you. I hope you have forgiven yourself, too.
Photo and article are both originally from Thought Catalog.
This is my first entry for this year. I hope you like it. Let this be the year you let yourself free.
Keep living a WANDERful life, wanderers!