This Is What It Feels Like to Be Alive

I didn’t realize how badly I needed a break until the day I skipped work, packed my things and left home—away from the city. People say that when you love what you’re doing, you’re never going to get tired of it, but people lie. Of course, you’ll get tired. You’ll get tired of everything. It’s okay because we’re alive. We get tired of getting up early for work; of doing the same paperwork every day; and even the endless traffic. We get tired of editing videos and writing articles. We get tired most of the time, and that’s okay. We can quit whenever or just take a good day rest. A quick visit to a bookstore and a good cup of coffee in a Starbucks downtown all by yourself. A drive-thru to McDonald’s or alone time to the cinema. It’s your take. I realized that this is what it feels like to be alive. It feels like taking a break; of getting me time; of turning away from your daily routine. It feels like deciding what’s good for yourself – even for once.

I didn’t realize how badly I needed a cry until the day I realized how tired I am of everything—career, friends, family and even of myself. I just really really feel tired and maybe I have been trying so hard to be strong that I bottled everything in. I don’t like to be a burden to other people by wailing out my stress to them because I know we all have our issues to deal with. I don’t like to add up to that. I can’t remember the last time I bawled my eyes out, let alone why. But as I took a detour that day, a tear started to stream down my face as Early Morning Coffee Cups played on shuffle. I realized that this is how it feels like to be alive. It feels like crying. It feels like giving up. It’s driving away from all your troubles and worries – even for once.

I didn’t realize how badly I let my likes and follows to validate my existence until that day I drove towards the sea. I left my phone on purpose. Social media has literally become our everyday meals. We keep wasting too much time on it without even realizing it. We now forget to look at the world with our own eyes. It is now a matter of what’s Instagrammable or not. It is now a matter of where you were in summer instead of actually living in the moment. I realized then why I love blue. It has always reminded me of the sky. It is very soothing. There, I saw how everything can be so green. The grass and the trees are all rooted in the Earth. I have learned how to love orange as well. It reminds me of sunset and how I always let my heart at ease when the day ends. That made me think, how can we be so distant from the world when all it does for us is show its beauty? Why do we feel so unwelcome in our own habitat? It’s the same as being so uncomfortable with our own skin. So, why? I realized that’s what it feels like to be alive. It’s finding your comfort. It’s staying in the box. It feels like guarding yourself – even for once.

But being alive also means breaking free, swimming against the current, and taking a leap of faith. It’s about overcoming your struggles and passing through hindrances. I realized that it doesn’t matter if I start with little steps as long as I’m moving forward. It doesn’t matter if I start slow as long as I’m doing myself a favor by simply trying because that’s what it feels like to be alive. It’s getting through every day with the hope to make it again tomorrow. I have decided that no matter how I feel empty most of the time, I will still fill my lungs with life; my heart with love and my soul with passion. I’ll find the purpose instead of reason. I will live because I only get to do it once, and I’m going to make sure I’m going to see the end of it.