WHAT BREAKS MY HEART..

Hi, friends ~

It’s been a while. I’m not really in my best state right now and I’d hate to send you the vibe but I really have to write it down, this blog being my outlet and all. Please bear with me just this once.

It’s been a tough ~~week~~ 10 months. I’ve been struggling to feel better; to be okay. I tried so hard to remain as cheeky as possible—my usual self. I’ve always tried to look at the bigger and brighter picture. I’ve always clung onto that small tinge of hope that tomorrow would not be as bad as today. I tried to conceal it all but this time, it is just all too much to take. I burst. I am done trying faking it.

October 3rd, my grandma died. She was 89. It was sort of a relief that she doesn’t have to suffer the old age anymore but that didn’t make it less painful. She was one of those people who bragged around here how we (my brother and I) are living a good life. Being great students then and now doing our job well to help in the household expenses. She thought we had it all together. La, if only you knew how fucked up we are. But, thank you so much for always believing in us. Please guide us from up there.

A week after, a friend of mine died. We went to the same High School. I remember messing up with his drum sets and all those few but memorable moments together with the gang. The last time I saw him was when we had a road trip to Antipolo to see a friend who just got back in the country. It was so fun with everyone. We had to pass by this scenery: us on the mountain top that we could see all the lights from the towns below. It was breathtaking. But now that he died in a motorcycle accident, I just can’t with the thought. And man, he already has two kids. TWO. The girls are still so young. Heartbroken is an understatement.

I fucked up at work. Big time. It’s so hard to fix it. It’s killing me inside. I caused a domino effect and I couldn’t form the trail again—even when I leave. But I’m leaving anyway because I need a new start. It will always be one of my biggest regrets in life.

Today, I actually started to bring home some of my things from work. As I was cleaning up earlier, I realized how the years it took to build memories can come crashing down in a blink of an eye. Some tell us not to worry but how can you not when change can be this drastic? How can you not worry when you are very uncertain of a lot of things?

It was all too much for me that I’ve been having mental breakdown. The other day I had it so bad I had to go out and call Junice to calm myself. It was so bad I sought for help. It was so bad that I was shaking and I couldn’t breathe. I had to ran down two floors so no one from the office could see me. I already caused them so much trouble, they don’t need this. It was in the freaking afternoon. We all know these attacks know no time. It’s scary. It has never been like this for me before. It is becoming frequent. At night, I always want to write, watch or read but my body just shuts down on its own. I can drop everything and just lie down and feel numb until I pass out. My whole body hurts. Don’t you just hate it how your emotional pain also turns physical? Also, my self-loathing is extremely high. My heart wants to do this and that but my mind and body won’t listen. I am unproductive. It is a tough battle getting up in the morning.

My parents know, by the way. I hate myself more for telling them about my anxiety. The thing with this is when you suffer, people around you suffer as well. It devastate me because wow I can do nothing right and now I am a burden as well. Why am I still here?

It is draining to be this sad. The more I question things, the more I feel empty. I want to get rid of this feeling that I wrote down the first few things that came to mind that breaks my heart. I’m thinking of burning this page down and pretend that all these heartaches will also turn into ashes.

That is me still trying. Journaling is helping me keep sane. I’m starting to doodle and draw again..

I don’t know until when I can hold on. I don’t know how long I can cope. I am no longer living I am now just trying to survive. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this either. I just want to be better. I just want things to get better.