PLAY AT YOUR OWN RISK:
12월 01일
I woke up feeling hopeful. It felt foreign. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. I don’t really think about my emotions—why I’m feeling them. Until recently, when the darkness has been too much to grasp; when the universe lost its stars and there’s nothing but a pitch black ocean surrounding me. I tried to look inside myself to see what tugs on my heartstrings.
Why do I feel so indifferent towards Christmas? Most of the times, I don’t know the reasons behind my emotions. I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But, for the sake of my sanity, I will try to break it down and maybe makes sense of it.
- I didn’t grow up believing in Santa Claus. He shares the limelight with Christ on this season, right? I guess my childhood was stolen from me too soon than most kids.
- I was hospitalized a week before Christmas. I was 13? I still remember how much money we had to spend on that. I kinda beat myself for it. Like, “if only I didn’t get sick, maybe our Christmas would be more festive”. Now, I want to beat myself more for thinking that way.
- I am never religious and have always been blasphemous. I questioned Jesus Christ’s birthday ever since I found out that some people don’t believe in Him and in Christmas. Some don’t even celebrate birthdays. I’m not sure when and how I found out that it is very unlikely for the shepherds to watch the flocks on December. Apparently, Judea is cold and rainy during this month. I don’t know much about the Bible. I am such a disgrace to His name. I don’t even know why I am a Catholic. I don’t really believe in its practices.
- This is the second year I’m having Christmas in a broken home. I don’t think I need to say more.
Those are mainly what I could think of. December reminds me of the days I watched Barbie in the Nutcracker. It is nostalgic. I’m not quite sure if I’m happy or sad. Maybe I am both. Yuletide season gives me a sense of longing for something I can’t name. Ha. Maybe this is why I love Kimi No Na Wa so much. Not in the context of finding someone. Just something or anything.
Do not get me wrong. I love the lights. Those tiny bulbs that look like stardust. I love it. I really do. It gives me a sense of hope and maybe a pigment of happiness, too.
Lovely, right? I even have dreams of fireworks and Auroras quite often. I love them so much.
I love the songs as well. I love the idea of exchanging gifts. That excitement you get when you open a present. Those usual things.
Fun fact: I love the word mistletoe.
I can’t explain any further. Maybe feelings are not always meant to be understood. Maybe they are just there to make you feel alive. Maybe when I get to experience snow, I’ll feel different. I’ve always loved the thought of winter. SNOWFLAKES!! ❄️❄️
I’m really glad the lights are back, though. Hope is back. I just have to keep these stars inside me burning—even not brightly. I don’t want to be a black dwarf. Let us all keep being stellar.
I was supposed to post this on December 1st but obviously I failed. Mnet Asian Music Awards happened. I also tried to finish writing this yesterday but there was Melon Music Award. 축하해요, 방탄소년단!! Then, I had to finish some rewrites before 11PM. AAAAAAH ~ It’s now the 3rd of December, 2:31AM.
Anyway, I’m accepting coffee as a gift. 😛
I hope you are all feeling Christmas-y!!! ☃️🎄
when words blend 
YEYY you’re doing blogmas! I’m doing tweetmas kasi I can’t commit to writing a post each day. Anyway, I hope you change your feelings about December/Christmas season soon. You just have to think positive and look at the brighter side. I don’t like Christmas season too (it reminds me too much of my dad) but I am forcing myself to try. 🙂 With regards to our religion….girl ang daming mali at tanong diba! Ang style ko diyan, it’s not about the practices of our religion but rather our connection and faith in Him.
Okay..yun lang.. comment ulit bukas! abangan ko next post mo 🙂
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I’m glad that you are trying, ate 🙂 About the religion, yes. I just know that I believe and that there is someone and something bigger than all of this. Hala pressure. Hahaha! Chos. I hope I can do it kahit hindi ko nasimulan ng December 1st. Lol
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OMG, nagulat ako napasok mo pa ang Kimi No Na Wa. Huhu. Ako naman, I love Christmas & New Year’s. Though ngayon, syempre “tumatanda” na, parang ‘di na ako ganun ka-excited. Parang normal day na lang siya for me.
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Kimi No Na Wa is the story that perfectly describes my emotions. From its story to its soundtrack, I love it all. Hehe Yeah ganun nga. Idk bakit nawawala ung spirit. Maybe because of the hardships na din. Idk. Worse, it gets sadder every year.
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