The Oasis on That Night

Something can be beautiful because there is something horrible. Life can be tough or it can be good. If you can accept that those hard times are part of beautiful moments in life, you can truly understand Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa.

To my younger self,

It’s 2:47 in the afternoon and you’re in a public bathroom. You should be working but you’re bawling your eyes out right now. A really really sad story came on the radio today and you just can’t hold it in. You are still a cry baby. It hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will. And so, the story hit home. Straight and fast.

This is a scary stop. This is not the place you imagined it would be. It is darker here and everyday, it gets more sad. I thought you’re over the desert but your most beloved universe has wormholes, too. There’s no escape. It’s sad.

In this place, you can’t be depressed. You need to get your shits together, get up, and work. It hasn’t changed even though people are more aware now of how important mental health is. It hasn’t changed. Your workplace still doesn’t care. It’s sad.

In this place, money is still a big issue. It ruins friendship, camaraderie, and even family. It still makes the world go round. Even the ones who have enough of it don’t care about people who can barely afford anything. They need it too even if they still have enough. Everyone works hard but not all of us gets enough of what we deserve. It’s sad.

In this place, there is no room for mistakes. Remember the pressure you carry over your shoulders just because you are “smart” and you can do well in “everything”? You still carry it. Apparently, you need to use your brain so you can’t make wrong choices and decisions. It’s sad.

In this place, chasing after your dream is never free. They say dream big? Sure. You have a lot of things to consider. You need to sacrifice more. You need to try harder. It is always more and more and more until there is no more left of you. It’s sad.

You are on the same floor the night you sent that message to your family. You told them that you could no longer take it; that you are sorry; that you love them. That night you decided to just end it. You realized that even though you are scared of heights, you still crave the altitude. Maybe this is your idea of flying all along.

One floor up.

Two.

Three.

Four.

A couple of sobs.

Heavy breathing.

A couple more crying on a fire exit.

Your phone vibrating.

Your brother was calling. You got messages from your parents. You were snapped out of it. You love them too much to leave them like that.

You constantly receive messages from them now.

“Did you go to work today?”

“Are you home now?”

“Have you eaten?”

And every time you read those, you want to cry and beat yourself for your action. You made them worry even more. More. And always more.

But, you don’t need to worry. This is just a stop, not a destination. Even the desert has its oasis and the universe still got its stars. It may be raining too hard here but the sun still shines.

But, you don’t need to worry. It is never too late to go for the job you love. It is okay to let go of things that make you more anxious. One day, you don’t have to drag yourself out of bed anymore. One day, you won’t even need an alarm clock to wake you up early in the morning. One day, your body will move on its own accord. One day, you won’t be self-inflicted anymore.

But, you don’t need to worry. Money is just money. There are people who still understand how little it means. You will always earn it. You can always save it. Just like how you always spend it.

But, you don’t need to worry. Mistakes are there to teach you a lesson and you have learned. Believe me, you have learned a lot. Not just about yourself and your capabilities but also about the people who surround you. Now, you know who to keep and who to let go of. You don’t need friends who can’t help you redeem yourself. You should not be calling them friends in the first place. I will always remind you of that.

But, you don’t need to worry. There are people who truly believe in you. They don’t envy you for achieving your dreams. Rather, they will push you up even more. Keep them. Keep them at all cost.

But, you don’t need to worry. That night served its purpose right. You already sought for help. You asked if you could consider yourself suicidal and you got an indirect answer of “the fact that you take action of your idealizations..” That should scare you but it didn’t. You realized how much control you have over your own decisions. Or maybe it did because it is all in your hands. You are told to control your breathing and get more sleep because it affects your mood greatly. So sleep you do.

But, you don’t need to worry because your family loves you and think of you deeply.

But, you don’t need to worry because you are surrounded by people who understand you not just by words but also by feelings.

But, you don’t need to worry because you have the best of friends who love you dearly; friends who don’t mind if you call them any time of the day just to break down and cry—wherever they are or whatever they are doing; friends who will answer you if you ask if stars have souls and even discuss it with complete seriousness and mischief; friends who are not there for you not only in spring day or crystal snow but all the seasons in between.

But, you don’t need to worry. You don’t want to die unhappy. You are too driven to just give up on your dreams. You are too stubborn to let other people rule your life. You believe in Amor Fati so much there is no way you’re gonna take your own life. Never again.

But, you don’t need to worry. You are taking one step at a time. You are always a day closer to whatever there is that awaits. You will see it. You will see the end of this road. You will make it to the day filled with smiles. It will hurt. It won’t be easy, but you’re going to make it. You can make it. You will make it.

“Everyone suffers in their life. There are many sad days. But rather than sad days, we hope to have better days. That’s what makes us live. That’s what makes us dream.”

—Kim, Namjoon

You don’t need to worry. You are doing just fine.