2017 Really Tough, Really Sad But Not Quite Bad

2017년 12월 31일

7:07PM

I really don’t know what to say in this post. I remember how excited I was to begin 2017 and now it’s ending and I’m not really feeling it.

Then, I thought of why I’ve always preferred the New Year celebration more than Christmas. New Year has a new sense of hope to it. It’s so festive even though I really hate the noise (but obviously, it is not quite as loud as it used to be the previous years). I appreciate how everyone is having the time of their lives anywhere else in the world (or maybe not really).

But, just like any other year, it is the day that gives me so much nostalgia. I’m always in the middle of looking forward to better days ahead and going back to the good old days. But that’s also what I love most about New Year. It gives me the feeling of living in the past, the present and the future—all at the same time. It’s still 2017 here and I’m living in the now but in a couple of hours, in some countries, it will already be 2018 and I will be left behind in the past. In a couple more hours, it will be 2018 here and it will still be 2017 in other countries and that makes me ahead of time. What a concept, right? It is like a traffic light that will give you a moment to stop and live in the moment—while contemplating about the past and thinking about the future.

Looking back, this year has been really tough for me but like as always, it made me stronger. I discovered a lot of my weak spots but through those did I realize my strength.

I cried so much this year I want to apologize to my pillows; to the people who gave me weird looks as I wiped away my tears while I’m on the way home; to the people who gave me concerned looks while I wash my face in the public bathroom with puffy eyes. It is really really really tough and it’s really really really sad. It drains me now just thinking about it.

I already pity myself for being this miserable that I want to go back and think of the good things now and just be grateful.

彡I GOT MY DOMAIN THIS YEAR

I am really happy to have this URL. My blog has gone through a lot and to settle on something that is really personal matters to me so much. I’m keeping my coffee palette scheme. Though, it will take a while for me to change theme, maybe I will sometime this year. I’m too lazy to customize. LOL!

彡I STARTED THE YEAR WITH ROUGHLY 5K VIEWS

and now I’m on 22K. I can’t thank you enough for reading my posts. Writing means the absolute world to me so whenever I get a message telling me that my blog help them get through something, I am really grateful. You give me reason to keep going. You encourage me to write my heart out even more. I was scared before to write too personal stuff because I’m scared of the judgement I’d get but then again, why do I write? I want to be heard. In these words lie my screams. We share different opinions and beliefs and that is okay. I respect yours. Thank you for respecting mine as well.

彡I GOT MY LICENSE AS FINANCIAL CONSULTANT

Though I didn’t really get to use it that much this year, I’m still glad I got to learn. My license will expire in 3 years so maybe in that span of time, I can still make good use of it.

彡I IMMERSED MYSELF IN KOREAN DRAMAS

KDramas are so diversified. The stories are really well written and thought out well. One series is really different from other else’s. There’s always a major twist that will make each stand out on its own. KDramas (and animes ofc) also make me think so much about life. I love thinking and feeling what other characters feel all situation. I think through the series I’ve watched, I’ve also grown.

彡I STAN BANGTAN

This is probably one of the great choices I made this year. They are the most humble and genuine people and their music really speaks so much to me. They make me so happy. There are times that I don’t feel like I can fangirl because I’m just too sad but I’m glad to know that I can always go through their index and watch all their videos to make me feel okay.

Through them, I also got to learn more about Korean culture. Hangul is such a wonderful language. I can’t wait to finally be able to speak it.

I am also starting to get to love the whole KPOP community. It’s really amazing (just don’t include the fanwars). All idols work so hard to give the fans a whole new level of awesome performances. They always step up their stages. If you fall in love with the tunes, what more if you look up the lyrics?

Through Bangtan, I am also introduced to Amor Fati. This is the belief I’ll live by until the day I die and wherever I’m heading next. My soul will know it even in alternate universes.

彡I HAVE MET AMAZING PEOPLE AND MADE GREAT FRIENDS

I have never felt so understood in my whole life until this year. I got friends who know how to have fun and when to get serious; friends who know when to joke about the topic and when not to take it lightly. I got friends who share the same sentiments and instead of pulling each other inside the wormhole, we try to gravitate our way to a brighter part of the galaxy. You need those kind of people; those who will try to save you even though they can barely save themselves. I have friends who try to heal me as they try to heal themselves. I am so grateful.

Sure, I lost a few. That’s inevitable. They will always be in my heart. Though, I can’t call them friends anymore because they are not the same people I will turn to when I need someone to talk to. They are no longer the same people I will cry out for help because they didn’t want to listen anyway. It’s ironic how people say you don’t tell them your problems but when you actually shout it to them, they are not all ears. Like, eh? Know you they are.

彡I LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES

I learned it the hardest way. I always feel like giving up but what’s the worst thing could happen, right? I know I can do this. I will make it.

彡I HAVE WRITING AS A JOB

How lovely it is to have your passion as your source of income as well? It’s just part time but who knows I can take it full time this year. I get to learn about more rules and I think it will help me become a better blogger, too. I can’t wait to do more for this blog next year.

彡THE VOICES AT NIGHT WILL NEVER GO AWAY BUT THAT'S OKAY, I WILL FIGHT IT

It’s a cycle. I will try to be happy and then there is still the sadness that will creep and will take it away from me. It’s okay. I will cry. I will bawl my eyes out until there’s no more tears left and I can finally sleep. It is always a good release, anyway. Then, I’ll get up and live again. It’s okay as long as I will choose life. I will always choose life.

彡I WILL NEVER GET USED TO A BROKEN HOME BUT THAT WON'T MAKE ME LOVE LESS

People say that it’s “normal” because “most” have a broken family these days. Well, that “normal” doesn’t make it less painful. It’s sad if you think it’s normal.

I always say that there will always be wounds that will never heal, this is one of those wounds. I will always be broken because of it. But you know what? I don’t hate my parents. I think they are brave enough to choose what they really want in life after all those years that had passed. I will always miss us, though.

But, that won’t stop me from loving others as much as they deserve. We all deserve to send and receive love, deeply and courageously countless times in our lifetime.

彡I AM NOT HAVING A HAPPY HOLIDAY BUT THAT'S OKAY

I’m not happy but not necessarily sad either. There’s just really something with Ber months and the season but I will try to celebrate tonight. It’s always a choice, anyway. It’s always up to you how you make your day.

I think that’s basically what I want to share with you. I don’t know how 2017 has made me. I was definitely not turned into a better version of myself but I’m pretty sure it taught me lessons; it helped me grow. Still, a work in progress.

Oh yeah, I forgot.. just because it’s New Year, you don’t necessarily have to “start anew”. You can always do that everyday. You can do to that today. I guess I’m done doing resolutions and those kind of traditions we grew up to. I guess we just all hold on to it at some point because we are clueless of what is next so we tend to put a starting line on this date: December 31st.

I will still keep a journal, though. Maybe, I can share tomorrow some of my plans for this blog and some for my life this 2018. We’ll see. If I don’t sleep in that is. Hahahahaha! It’s already 11:19PM and I’m wrapping this up here. I was watching MBC Gayo Daejejeon so I had to stop writing. HAHAHAHAHA! Bangtan did so well as always. 😍

I really need to go now. We will be celebrating in my cousin’s house. I will try to enjoy myself and start the year happy. I hope you are having at least a good night, if not great. Make the last hour count wherever you are in the world.

Manigong Bagong Taon!

Happy New Year!

새해 복 많이 받으세요!

あけましておめでとう!

P.S – I’m sorry for the crappy featured image. My anti virus deleted my Photoshop. Lol! I will change it when Iinstall a new one.