Tonight, I Tried to Let You Go

2018년 01월 16일

It’s the first time in years that I heard someone looked out (or asked) for a sign. I stopped doing that myself. I believe in choices now more than anything. But, was it your sign? Was it meant to happen? It was, right? Other people’s choices and decisions can be anyone’s fate. Ripple effect. It was a good fall of domino. I was grateful.

We almost gave up finding you the balloons. We tried yesterday but every store was either closed or they didn’t have the ones that fly. We need to reach the heavens. We want to reach you. Somehow. In any way.

When the lady said that they have balloons with helium, I wanted to cry. I’ve always wanted to fly one for you but I didn’t get the chance. Until tonight. I think I got the courage because I was with my soul sisters. You have no idea how much you have drawn us more into each other. You are the one who weave us even more—heart, mind, body and soul. You are our greatest vessel of hope.

We stopped by in an open field in Pampanga. It was so dark. Junice put the car in hazard. All three balloons got tangled at the back of the car. We struggled so much with it but that’s nothing compared to all the things you had been through. I think I heard a crying kitten somewhere. Its pain echoed in the darkness. I think it could feel what was about to happen.

As we try to untangle the strings, Mel fished out her mini notebook for us to write something for you. I took the first turn. I kept it short. I’ve written what I wrote before. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t think of more. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this now. I know I wanted to write more. Then, it was Mel’s turn. Then, Junice. She took the longest time. We didn’t tell each other about our parting words. Those words are only meant for you.

We were finally able to get a balloon for each. My hands are already shaking when I tried to tie the rolled paper to the string. The wind wasn’t helping. It was so strong. I was afraid I would accidentally lose grip of the string. I know I wanted to let go. But, not just yet. It still hurts so much. I just don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy and be thankful that you are probably no longer hurting. That’s just what I want—for you to finally be able to free yourself from all the heartaches. You deserve nothing but peace.

We agreed to let go in the count of three.

1..

2..

3..

My eyes are too stubborn. I could feel the tears coming. Teardrops fell, one after the other. I let go of the string. We let go. I wanted to shout. It hurt so bad. But, you deserve the silence. You deserve the gentleness after all the hardships.

I felt like a kid again. I wanted to blame myself for losing the balloon. I wanted it back despite of wanting to let go too because there’s nothing else I could do. It’s hard. I’m still suspended in between; stuck in my own personal limbo.

We stood there, frozen. We watched as the balloons fly up high—together. There were no stars. It was too hazy. Or maybe I should blame my tears for blocking my sight. Or maybe my poor vision.

I can’t remember all the things I’ve told you as the balloons disappeared behind the clouds. I just know that I still have something to say. I don’t think I will run out of words. You will always have my words.

“It’s gone”, I said as the balloons found its way to the horizon—far far far away from us. I could no longer see it. It’s now closer to you, though.

I wanted to hug Junice and Mel but I know that it would just make our feelings worse. Being there, saying our goodbyes together, is enough for us to gain strength again. Being there together is enough because we know we got each other’s back no matter what.

Junice tried to kill the sadness by playing songs in the car but we remained silent. I muted all the sounds except the screams inside my head. We drove home with none of us saying a word. We got the windows down and I let the wind dry my tears.

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The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. The heaviest the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes the man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being.

I have read that from Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. The question about weight and lightness remain. Which one is negative and which one is positive? You chose the lightness, Jjong. But, was it a negative or a positive thing? You gave me the answer. It is neither. You flew away like the balloons we let go of tonight. I didn’t feel any lighter though when I lost my grip from the string than I thought I would. You will always be the weight in my chest but the lightness in my soul.

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It’s raining tonight. The sky is crying with us.

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2018년 01월 18일

It’s been a month. You are the wound that will never heal. I don’t want you to be a scar, anyway. I don’t want you to be just a mark; a distant memory of the past. So let me bleed forever. You should not worry, though. I will use each droplet of blood to write words—phrases that hopefully will shed light to the ones who badly need it right now. You give me courage to keep going. Thank you, Jjong. I hope this reach you. I love you so much. You did so well. Please be happy now wherever you are. Please shine brighter. I will always look for you in the sea of stars. Be the brightest. You will always be deeply loved.

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To you reading this ~

Please reach out. Always here for you.