I met up with a friend last night and she said she’s going to the church. I’ve already mentioned before that I stopped doing Catholic practices but I still go to the chapel sometimes when I want some peace of mind. Last night, I went.
I laughed to myself when I did the sign of the cross. I thought I already got rid of that habit. I used to do it whenever I pass by a church or when I pray which I rarely do now. It is really hard to break that, I guess.
For no particular reason, I kept saying thank you. I don’t know. Maybe because I do not want to ask anything anymore. I feel like I already asked too much, but I always break my promises so I just stopped.
I said, “I still believe in You.” Then, I thought: why? Why do I believe when I do not even want to take part in a religion? I remember this part from The Sun Is Also A Star:
I don’t believe in love.
“It’s not a religion,” he says. “It exists whether you believe in it or not.”
I realized that God is Love and I don’t really need a religion.
I thought that maybe we just engage ourselves in different beliefs because it gives us a sense of humanity; a sense of belonging; something to hold on to, perhaps? We want to believe that we are in control of our lives. Ironically, we say it is God’s plan. Isn’t it funny that you want to have this control over your life but then you ask God what is happening when things start to not go according to your plan? So, when things go wrong, it is God’s plan? I think that is ridiculous. I mean, if you want to believe it is all you—your decisions and your choices—then stop dragging God on it.
Maybe that is also why I stopped asking for help even though I really need it. I just find it unfair to let God save my ass whenever I mess up. I already failed so much and God has heard and seen all of it. I,myself, need to do something about it.
Do we believe because we want to have someone to save us when we can no longer save ourselves? I believe because I want to. Science should have come from something; something greater than it is. So, I still believe.
However, I want to believe in myself, too. I want to believe that one day I can still save myself from myself.
I may or may not be crying writing this. Must be the lack of sleep. It’s 5am and I think I’m having an attack again. So, I resort to writing this to calm me down.
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when words blend 
This was the topic of my bible study last week! 💕
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would you like to share some insight? 🙂
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Absolutely! We talked about understanding the Bible and who wrote the books. There are two views of the Bible, High and low. High means you believe the bible is the word of God and the low view means that the Bible contains the word of God. Understanding and believing that the Bible are stories of God and it is the book of life gives you the mustard seed of faith in your belief. We looked at many bible verses that explained some of this as well. Here are a few: Colossian 2:6, 2 Peter 1:20, 2 Timothy 3:16
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I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I mean about free will and God’s plan. It just really confuses me so much.
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I don’t believe in the “blueprint” kasi so I don’t believe in God’s plan. Maybe the main plan is us being born or something pero like on a daily basis, I think not. But, that’s just me.
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People used to jokingly warn my parents that allowing me to study in UP would turn me into an atheist who rallies like it’s a sport. And while I’ve never been in a rally — surprise, surprise! — I did eventually lose my faith in God. Not only did I abandon my religion, but also the belief in any sort of divine being. And funnily enough, that lack of faith in anyone but myself had really helped me in owning up to my shit and making things happen for myself and by myself! It’s weird to refer to it as one of the best things to happen to me, but I’d be lying if I denied how important it played in catalyzing my growth as a person.
But anyway, this semester, I took up a metaphysics class simply because I naively assumed that we would tackle arguments on why there is no such thing as God (or a God). I was proven to be very, very wrong. By the end of the discussion, although I still don’t particularly subscribe that a divine being exists, I’ve realized that it’d be pretty ignorant to dismiss the idea that there could be. Maybe there’s a God, maybe there isn’t. But the worth of my life does not hinge on knowing or not knowing the right answer.
It is, in fact, our limitations and lack of knowing that make us human. And this whole thing about faith and beings and destinies and blueprints of life — these are things we’re meant to continue to think about as we experience more and more of life. Questioning things is a journey of being human. ❤️
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there is a beauty in knowing and not knowing the answers 🙂 thanks for this, Shealea. i love reading other people’s thoughts. Everyone’s emotions and thinking is valid. It’s nice to learn and grow together ❤️
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