She woke up to the sound of the rain gently tapping on the roof with a careful swoosh of the wind. She wanted to feel it, so she walked outside still wearing her heavy eyes and empty heart. It was the kind of morning she always hoped for; the morning that she knew she would not always get because the sun should still shine somehow. She looked up and put her tongue out to taste the raindrops. It still tasted like childhood; of memories both vague and vivid in her head.

It was her thing to zoom out after taking everything in, and suddenly her soul was somewhere else. She was suddenly a kid again.

She was told that they lost you when she was two. You were not given a chance at life to see the world, and they were not given a chance to see the world with you in it. She could not remember how painful it was, but growing up, the pain grew with her. The sadness ate her whole being, and she could not remember a day without it.

You were not there, but she could always feel your presence lingering in the air. You lived in your mother’s sad eyes and your father’s unspoken words. You lived in her heart, and in his questions that remained unanswered. You left a family of four that slowly got destroyed eventually. Somehow, she was glad that you had not suffered.

But, she still missed you. She missed you when there was no one to talk to; she thought somehow you could be her confidant. She missed you on the days she felt like drowning, but she knew you were the touch that caressed her cheeks assuring her it would all be okay. She missed you when the sun set, wishing that she could hold your tiny little hands as she watched the colors of twilight turned into pitch black. You see, she wasn’t scared of the dark because she knew you were one of her stars. She had long accepted the fact that she would forever live in abyss, but it was okay—she thanked you for the light. It was enough to keep her going.

This time, she was glad not to cry in vain; her tears were for you. She would miss you on the rainy days of chaos and comfort or even the days when the waves were calm and the horizon was clear.

She missed you so much it hurt.

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