I love that split second of stillness when I wake up and I don’t have a clue of who or where I am—nothing at all; when I open my eyes and things are just that. I am not clueless or feeling completely lost. It’s the ultimate emptiness. Blank like a clean slate. Everything is white. Everything feels white.

However, there is another kind of emptiness that gets me sick to my stomach. It is when I wake up from a nightmare, but before I get a sigh of relief, there is another split second when another realization ensues—this is reality. It is the moment when I am not sure which parallel universe is the worse. Everything is black. Everything feels black.

As I get up and make myself a cup of coffee, I ask the universe: what do you want from me?

I am not complaining. It is not a snarky remark. It is a genuine question. I am clueless. I used to think that the universe will let me breathe if I would stop asking what it wants me to do; that I just need to seek what I want to do. So, I do that because I am done trying. I am actually doing things now. I am no longer waiting; I am not standing still. I am moving. But, why is it not enough?

What do you want from me, really? What am I supposed to do?

I am not mad. I am sad. I’m sorry if I can’t read the signals. Can you make it a little bit clearer?

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