It is that time of the year again for some reflections (though I’m an introspective person, and I do it on a daily basis lol). What have you done this year that you think you could do better and the things that you think you did well? What are the things that made you feel good or bad about yourself? There’s a lot to think about, right?
2018 is the year I let my failures of 2017 eat me whole that I could not even recognize myself. When I fucked up at work that I had for almost 4 years and left it in January this year, I was swimming in debts. I still am.
Where to go next? I had no idea because it was all sudden; I was so lost. So, I cut people out because I am so ashamed.
It is hard when people deemed you as smart or good at this and that, and when you fail; all of those are stripped off of you. You are no longer that loyal friend or a smart colleague. You are now nothing but a failure—someone who can’t produce enough money to provide food on the table, sends your brother to college, and settles all payable.
It was when the sadness and disappointment crippled. It is one thing to disappoint people, but it is an entirely different thing to be disappointed at yourself.
You must be thinking, ‘then stop being a disappointment.’
It is when the issue of mental health gets worse. Our brain—being the brain—feels like it has its own mind. Have you ever felt that way, too? Thinking of things you don’t even want to think about, but it’s there? Then, you beat yourself up for thinking those things. Yes, it happens to our minds; you just don’t know when it will strike. Sometimes, there are triggers. Most times, there’s none. It is all emotionally and physically draining that you can’t even get out of bed. It was dark and lonely.
Looking for a new job was tough; I was back to zero. Rejections after rejections would make you want to just stop trying. I remember going to interviews after interviews with my hands shaking, lips quivering, and my whole body collapsing. I just wanted to go home and weep. I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.
The tests were always easy, but I know why I wasn’t getting in—the anxiety was so severe I always stuttered. I didn’t carry the confidence that I should’ve brought in the battle. How could I? I didn’t believe in myself anymore. I didn’t have the skills anymore.
I almost stopped trying. I know you also experienced being so exhausted that you just want to take a break and breathe, but you know deep down that you want to try again and prove something—not just to others, but mainly to yourself.
We all get up in the morning even we feel like dying at night, even if we had a near-death experience that night, no one would know the next day. I pulled through. You pull through. We are pulling through. It is what matters, 맞지?
But, the thing when you are swimming in debt while providing for your family is that you can’t stop. How about the people you owe? “They are struggling, too. You are not the only one starving,” I kept thinking. I couldn’t stop, so I kept going.
I got friends who told me straight up how disappointed they are at me. Some people told me I’m not taking them seriously, and that I’m not trying. These are their truths that I have to live with, and there’s no one to blame but myself.
It has been a cycle; a routine for a year. Me trying to get a decent job and money, me explaining myself to other people why I don’t have money, me cutting myself out of everyone’s lives because I don’t know what to say anymore. I owe these people a constant apology and gratitude until I can settle everything, but that’s just about it. The way I live my life is mine alone.
Jenn Im said in one of her videos that she doesn’t want her silence to be the answer anymore. It is a wake-up call to me. I always say that I write to tell my truths; this is one of those.
Earlier this month, I met up with a friend, Mark, and he insisted we meet. I really completely disappeared from my friends’ lives; it always takes lots of drag-me-out-of-the-house before anyone could see me again. It is one thing that I still feel like a failure, but it is more of the episodes I get when I go out. Having panic attacks is living on the edge every single day. It makes you want to stay inside because you don’t know when episodes will hit, and you obviously would not want it to happen when you are out in the open.
I was always deemed as overly sensitive; it got worse. I said to a friend once that I get itchy when I’m out: is it skin allergy? Who knows? But, I got another wake-up call that day with Mark. He said I can’t hide from the world forever, so I cried to him. I told him everything. He asked why I didn’t tell him sooner. I said that traumas make everything harder and it is not rational—it is nothing personal. It is not like I don’t want to tell him; it is not like I don’t want to see my friends.
I realized how grateful I am for all the people who never lose faith in me even I lost faith in myself. They are still helping me get up. I am grateful for my friends who constantly remind me that I am so much more than my troubles and mistakes; that I am so much more than my baggage. Those people in my life who are always willing to understand and give way. I am so grateful I feel like I don’t deserve them.
I am so grateful for my family because they are the reason I still get up in the morning. I always have this smile on my face when I see my brother doing well in school. He is going to be an Engr. soon, I’m so excited for him, even though it’s hard to reach his dreams, I will help him get there—no matter what.
I am so grateful for the universe because it still has my back. From now on, I will only trust the process.
I wasted this year sabotaging myself. Self-loathing, self-pitying, and basking in isolation, but I can’t keep on drowning in my own misery. I still must find my way back to the shore.
So, here am I picking up the fragments of a destroyed life. I can’t fix what’s done, but I can still be better and make amends.
I am reclaiming myself back. I am honing my skills further until I can fully believe in myself again; until I can love myself again. I will stand up despite the storms; even I’m always mentally and emotionally unstable because the only way is through.
I can’t express how grateful I am for everyone who keeps on reaching out to me and asking me how I’m doing. I have friends who go directly to my mother just so they can get through to me. It makes my heart full, and I know I can get through everything because I still have the best support system.
I know there will be days that I will relapse again, but for now, I am here and Awake. I will get the most out of it.
I have learned my lessons, but I’m still learning; it is about time to take more actions. I am going to work hard until I don’t feel guilty of living anymore. 2018, thank you, next.
Happy Holidays to you all!!!! No year is absolutely bad, we just have to see something that can make it good. Right? 🙂 I hope you can give yourself a pat on your shoulder for doing a job well done! Thank you for reading my blogs. I hope I can write more that can resonate with you; things that can inspire you—I may still be a mess right now, but I know I can reach even one of you reading this. We are all a work in progress. There are still so many things to learn, let’s get it.
This will be my last entry of the year. Please stay with me for more years to come; until words exist. Wherever you are in the world, I wish you all the best because you deserve it.
Let us all be more gentle towards each other; life is already tough as it is. Here is to a more gentle us this 2019.