life, loss, and the things I have learned at 26

The cursor blinks in an even pattern as I stare at the sight of an empty document, frustrated. The seconds melting away into minutes until I wasted hours and hours thinking, “Where do I start?”

It is indeed one of the writers’ horrors not to be able to let out the words that are fighting to be freed. When writing is your only form of self-expression, and you can’t turn your emotions into words, it feels like your identity being stripped off of you.

So I type, delete, type, delete, and type again.

How do I start?

June. This month is suffocating, to say the least. It feels like October and December 2017 all over again. Or maybe that’s not quite right, I know this month is still better somehow. I turned a year older. I’m alive. It’s better. It should be better.

It doesn’t feel like it, though.

My aunt passed away. A dear friend of mine greeted me a happy birthday with the news that she’s gone.

I don’t know when it started to sink in. I’m not even sure if it has really sunk in. I’m really really really sad, but I feel like the tears I’ve shed are still not enough. It feels wrong; there should be more.

Or maybe because I’m fighting it back, so the moment passed by, and I wasn’t able to penetrate the emotions completely.

It slipped on my hands even before I can hold it.

Perhaps I don’t want to cry hard because I want to celebrate the life they lived well more than the loss. Maybe my head is being too logical. Maybe I’m trying too hard to see the good.

It’s not that bad, right?

But then I thought, maybe I should’ve let the emotions cripple me like I always do. I always get up after anyway.

I guess we can say that it’s just one of those things I’ve learned at 26, and I just realized I have a whole list to share:

1. We all need time to ‘process’ things. Sometimes, we want to justify our feelings. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I crying? Why am I sad? Why am I mad? Maybe we can just let the emotions flow and stop thinking the reason behind it because the more time we take in processing the moments, the more it slips away from us. The next thing we know, the moment has passed and we are not really able to experience it.
2. Isolation is a refuge, not a home.
3. Content marketing is A LOT HARDER than you think.
4. Getting a tattoo doesn’t hurt (or maybe I just choose the spot where it doesn’t).
5. Depression has so many forms, and so does relapse.
6. We all fail, but it doesn’t make us a failure. Can we drop that self-limiting belief that we are a failure? We are not. We are just works-in-progress. Let’s get up and try again until we are proud of the life we live.
7. There would be friends who would tell you to ‘just forget about it,’ ‘it’s fine,’ and ‘I understand.’ But you know you won’t forget and you will be eternally grateful. I want to be that kind of friend, too.
8. We all struggle to make ends meet, but it doesn’t excuse us from being less empathetic and compassionate.
9. 2ams can be scary when you are alone with your thoughts, but it can also be thrilling when you are driving with friends on a highway, a little tipsy. A little dangerous, yes, but the adrenaline helps you be in the moment.
10. Astrology is the map of your soul.
11. Bullet journaling keeps you on track. It helps you find your ground.
12. If you feel like you are being pulled in two opposite directions, it also means that you are being kept centered.
13. I am now an INFJ-T but I know I will still save the kid in Omelas.
14. If being hard on ourselves mean we just want to be the best version that we possibly can, then be it. Growth is painful.
15. It is okay to be indebted to someone – may it be in favor of material things or not. It is okay to ask for help.
16. I don’t want to be a parent.
17. “You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved,” I always say this, but I know we can still try. I still want to try. If not others, at least myself.
18. Happiness is the by-product of usefulness. You can’t chase it without being useful to others and to yourself.
19. You will lose the will to live, but that is temporary, too.
20. Self-care is pushing yourself to the limits. Self-care is knowing that you can always do better; that you can always be better. In that sense, self-care is a mindset, too.
21. I see colors when I listen to music.
22. The sky does not hide how it feels.
23. The water never resists the wind.
24. There’s a fine line between “writing slump” and “writing insecurities.”
25. It’s okay to cut ties.
26. You can still build good moments in places where bad memories took place.

I don’t know how many of these make sense or if it even resonates with you, but I’m glad that I tried to write about the blockage of emotions and words. It helped me get my thoughts somewhat sorted. I really needed this release because I am behind schedule. I need to write.

It’s nice venting to you again; this is the purpose of this blog after all. I can’t thank you enough for reading.

Here’s to life, here’s to life at 26

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