For the past days, I’ve been practicing stillness.
I’m trying to see how much of my thoughts I can take; how much of it can destroy me when I just let it scream at me loud and clear. I’m tired fighting it, resisting it… so I thought, go shout all the f you want. Perhaps, I am mad. Going really mad.
Often, I listen to the thoughts without understanding them. It is just there with no sense at all. It is wild, going into different directions without destination. But at the same time, it feels like a whirlwind of unmoving chaos. It is stuck, and I am stuck with it.
If I will describe it in words, it would be like this:
My brain is firing so fast that it can’t keep up with itself. Words. Colors. Sounds. Sometimes everything else fades into the background and all I’m left with is sound. I can hear everything, but not just hear it – I can feel it too. But then it can come on all at once – the sounds turn into light, and the light goes too bright, and it’s like it’s slicing me in two, and then comes the headache. But it’s not just a headache I feel, I can see it, like it’s made up of a million colors, all of them blinding.
Yes, it feels exactly like that. It is from All The Bright Places, by the way.
Stillness; however, seems to tame these thoughts. Even just a little bit.
Stillness is when you eat and you focus on nothing but your meal. It is when you count each second as you chew, swallow, repeat. No phone. No distraction.
Stillness is when you shower, and you let the water drown you. You focus on the sensation of the water against your skin, the smell of soap, the feel of the strand of your hair as it slips roughly through your fingertips. No music to accompany you.
Stillness is when you try to leave no room for unnecessary thoughts. It is an attempt to be present, not zoning out. You are aware of your surrounding; you are aware of what you are doing. It is not easy, obviously. It is not like this madness inside your head will magically disappear. It needs an intense focus, and frankly, it can be just as exhausting.
And stillness is harder to practice at night when you lie on your bed as you wait for sleep to claim you. Often, it is your thoughts that do.
I do not sleep without music on. I need the ‘white noise’, but I realised that the louder I set my playlist, the more it creates turmoil inside my head. Or maybe I just need new music to save me?
I don’t know, so I let myself alone with my thoughts. It makes the night excruciatingly slow, longer even. I really thought the nights wouldn’t end until the day comes again, like it always does. I survived the dark again.
Stillness also made me realise that I wasn’t really alone with my thoughts because all this time, my heart is with me. No matter how strong and intense the qualms inside my head gets, my heart still beats with it. Even it gets harder to breathe, my heart works hard to pump more blood—no matter how faint—and keeps me alive.
My heart screams loud and clear as much as my thoughts do. It cries for help; a cry to keep going. And I hear it. I hear it amidst it all.
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[Disclaimer: photo used on featured image]