“Do you still want to die?”

I heard a lot of warnings about The Midnight Library. A lot of people I know who have read it said that one should not read it if they are not in a good headspace. So, I was scared to start reading it even though I really wanted to.

But of course, I am the person who ignores trigger warnings and lets herself suffer afterward. 😂 It is triggering. The first few parts, at least.

I was telling a friend about it, how the protagonist wanted to die. And that it is triggering because it was all too familiar, too real. It is sad knowing that there are more other people out there who go through the same thing as you. Different lives, different battles, but similar, strong desires to die—or end the pain.

Suddenly she asked, “Do you still wanna die? I remember talking about this to my therapist.”

“No, but I still wanna disappear from time to time,” was my answer.

I don’t think I will ever know how to explain these things properly, in a way that would make sense to others the way it makes sense in my head.

To disappear. To float onto nothingness. No responsibility, no expectations, no emotions. A place where you can stay and don’t suffocate. A nobody, not even a speck of dust. Which is funny, because I never want to be a nobody. I want to take up space. I want to be depended on. I want to make my presence known. I want to matter.

But you see, matter can be really heavy. It can weigh you down. And yet here we are, being asked to ground ourselves before we completely fade away. Because when you start to crave that weightlessness (the unbearable lightness of being), it eventually gets easy to let go—so easy that you start to wonder what took you so long.

I just want to be suspended in the air; to disappear but not necessarily die. Not yet.

I still feel trapped, yes. There is a line that is hard to see, but it is there. I no longer dream about me walking down the unfamiliar streets and still ending up in the same place from where I started. Some mornings will still feel like it rained all night, but at least I do not always wake up crying anymore.

I have finished the book and I feel so validated. All my life, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of things… I think that is how I ended up trying to do as many things as I can all at once.

But as what Nora Seed said, “We don’t have to do everything in order to be everything, because we are already infinite. While we are alive, we always contain a future of multifarious possibility.”

We are alive.

Thank you for reading! 🤎 Please help me keep this blog running

[Featured Image from Chapter of May]