Trigger Warning: Suicide/Illness/Murder

And here I am turning into writing again…

I have this playlist I made back in 2017 for all the songs that helped get me through one of the darkest years of my life. Even I wasn’t an active fan, I will always be grateful to Astro. They will always be a part of me somehow.

I still listen to this playlist when I need a good cry or when I need to remind myself sometimes that I have gotten out; that I have a different reality now.

So when I heard about Moonbin, I didn’t know what to think or feel. Because of the news, my first thought was “It’s like nothing has changed.” We are still here like it’s December 2017 again. I felt sick. It is really triggering how the news were delivered. Due to the same past circumstances (that some of us were already familiar with), it was easy to jump into conclusion and believed what was on the news. It’s hard to keep your calm and think clearly at times like this. It’s hard to step back and zoom out. I kept reading all the articles, the tweets, desperate to know the story, hoping that it’s not what they made it out to be. It triggered more thoughts:

“Why would the authorities speculate that?”

“What is the autopsy for? Is it to confirm that it is suicide but just what kind or because they are not really sure? Then why make that statement?”

Apparently, the police ruled out murder—there is no evidence for that. They also didn’t find any note. The typical stories of suicide is there is always a note left behind, in the scene or messages sent to families or friends. Personally, I know how crucial a note is. You would want to say sorry for what you were about to do and you want to say your last thank you, hoping that these words will make it easier for them to accept and for them not to blame themselves. Or at least that were the case for me.

So now people are thinking it’s due to some health issues.

I couldn’t sleep waiting for any news about the autopsy. People kept saying different things and it started to get annoying. My head was literally throbbing so badly.

I was sucked into this blackhole again until I saw SHINEE’s messages on Bubble. I couldn’t help but think that if it really is that, they know exactly what it feels. No one could know it better than them. Key even left a comment on Moonbin’s latest Instagram post. Reading the last part of what he wrote, 그리고 미안해요 몰라줘서 (I’m sorry for not knowing), it seemed to me like he is apologizing for not knowing that Binnie is also struggling.

Or maybe it’s really not that and he meant something else. Right? It could be not knowing his underlying health issues. Right?

There is no official announcement yet about the cause of death, so we can’t really tell. I know it’s hard not to make any speculations because our thoughts are very clouded right now. For some, maybe getting an answer is a form of closure. For others, maybe hearing a different cause might make it less painful. Either way, all we can really do is wait. We may not even possibly know the real reason if his family doesn’t want it to be disclosed to the public. We can’t really do anything about it but respect it. But there is also a part of me that desperately hopes that they will, yano? I don’t know. This is all over the place. I just hope we can remain kind to each other.

Earlier, I also went to the memorial that New Frontier Theater held for Moonbin. I think that is very nice of them to do so. It means a lot to have a place to grieve and lean on to one another.

People were crying, wiping away their tears, slumped on the floor. Others were standing, just taking it all in silence. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming to see. Heartbreaking when I witnessed how some Arohas with their bouquet of flowers stopped on their track the moment they saw the memorial. As if they were physically in shock, then their eyes started swelling with tears, crying even before they could reach the spot. Heartwarming when I saw how Moonbin is really loved. He is so so loved. I am very grateful that I was able to light a candle and left a message for him.

I really hope he is at peace now and that he can finally rest easy. And I hope that everyone left behind, everyone grieving, can cope healthily. It’s not going to get better any time soon. Still, I pray for everyone’s healing. 🙏

Rest in Love, 문빈.

I also just want to say that I’m grateful for everyone checking on me when these things happen because they know how personal this is to me. Thank you for thinking of me. I just want to reassure you that I am doing okay. I’m sorry if I always sound depressed or suicidal here the past years, but I’m really doing better now. One day, I will tell you good stories, too. One day, I’ll sit down again and tell you about my new tattoos, my travels/concerts, my new business venture. One day. When I’m ready to open up myself again completely.

⋆。˚ ☁︎ ˚。⋆。˚☽˚。⋆

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