I was too busy breathing underwater; I forgot about you

I welcomed the month admiring the beauty that is the moon in its full waning gibbous glory.  I was with my high school friends, strolling on a highway. It was nostalgic; it was youthful.

As I relished the night sky, I found myself drifting away. Suddenly, it was not two in the morning; the motorcycles and my friends were gone.

Then, I was back in a conversation I had with an eight year old kid two weeks ago: “if you could name yourself, what would it be?”

I didn’t know what to answer. A friend reminded me that it was “Sky.” I wanted to be called Sky. Well, at least I used to. It made me think why I changed my mind. Here is what I wrote on my journal:

Sky. I have forgotten it. Perhaps, I just do not feel it anymore. I don’t exactly see that blue side now. In fact, I am on the other side—or rather, beneath—breathing underwater. It is how the world flips upside down. Hell is not on fire; it is freezing cold.

Did I really change my mind? I thought I did. Then, I came across this poem just now (making me write this):

WHAT YOU ARE. WHAT YOU ARE NOT.

You are:

A walking, breathing universe
of thoughts, ideas, stories as your stars
supernovas full of adventure in your veins
galaxies of emotions

An untamed, powerful ocean
of every experience that made you
into a journey full of storms
and quiet starry nights

A sky that has held
the worst of storms
but never forgotten
to let the sun shine through

But you are not and never have been
an apology, a mistake
or a thing to be forgotten
Remember that in the way
you wear your skin every morning

I have, in no way, accepted the entirety of my being, but I am at peace. I have accepted the fact that I am too weak to fight the chaos within me, but I am strong enough to keep going;

I am at peace. The nature makes me so at ease. I love it. I love it so much that I want to apologize to my Sky for letting the blue of the Sea and the tide of the waves to turn you into a nebulous wonder.

My Sky and my Sea, neither of you is a mirage. You both live in me with striking intensity.

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I have not posted in a month and I was glad that I stopped and took a breather for awhile. There is this liberating feeling of not letting strangers read my thoughts and judge my feelings. It is refreshing to finally learn how to swim.

Also, I really like to thank my kambal for these treasures 😭 The poem above is from one of these books, Your Soul Is A River. It is my birth month and I’ve been spoiled already 😭 I am so grateful 😭 She supports me in everything 😭

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I really hope you have a good month ahead, friends. We are halfway through 2018. I know.

from my heart that is full and at peace,

 

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「DISCLAIMER: featured image; caption from BTS’ Paradise」